Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in dani62's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
1:57 am	river daze Heat seems to leach everything out. Sat in river with friend Fred for hours Sat. waiting for it to cool off before getting out. Saw some swimming animal at dusk - maybe a muskrat. Fred goes there daily and reports seeing 2 snakes in water yesterday - guess they are hot also. Have NC license finally and closing date on place is 8-12 - looks like it might really happen.. Drove out to Waynsboro Sun and saw some horses - babies and yearlings - one yearling I really clicked with but seems to soon to commit. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 23rd, 2005
6:38 am	dreams active dream night - dreamed Tomoko had another baby - boy - at home with all family in attendance. After the birth, I ran up and around the mountain Adrianne walked up when she was in labor with Joey. I talked with J & T before continuing run, barefoot thru town. I was delighted to find the sidewalks covered in rainwater - wonderful splashes and felt energy flowing into feet. Also had tired old dream of being back together with Tom.. So far my dreaded call weekend has been quite gentle. Very few patients in morning clinic so I am off to clean house. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 21st, 2005
4:42 am	energy More body work lately massage/reflexology. Concensus is I am disconnected from lower body which leaves me off balance which leads to injury. It used to be so easy for me to feel grounded to the earth thru my feet - gotten out of the habit I suppose. Also suspect that I have unhooked from my body sexually and that adds to the block of energy flow. I think once I am on my own "ground" it will be easier to balance out. Dreading next few days - only doc here Fri., plus working here Sat and on call from today until monday am. Yuk! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
10:10 am	back in the saddle rode cash last night - 1st since trail ride. Hand not back to normal yet but bone is healing by looks of repeat xray. Saw flock of turkeys with several fluffy flying babies while riding last night. Contract official on house - still has to pass inspections, loan, appraisal hurdles. Still, I daydream about it as if it is already mine - what I will use for horse pasture, clearing pond for swimming, archery range, gardening, animals, painting etc.. coolest dream about parallel universes - actually had to enter very tight portal head 1st - seemed impossible to pass thru - like birth canal but then I'd get spit out into other universe - always in motion - running, driving, on escalator and I would always see a familiar face as I entered. Trying to fight against an evil force - present in both universes but much less helpless in the unfamiliar universe. Kept popping in and out. Last weekend marked 5 months since Tom and I separated. I guess we will be divorced in another month. I am greatful that I have come out of the dark hole that I found myself in but still am in disbelief and mourning. We do not communicate - except I dream about him most every night. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
2:49 pm	normalcy Ran 5 miles last pm - hard with current heat/humidity but good to plan return to normal routine. Drove out to lynn's to ride but that was no go - maybe this weekend or next week. Swelling in hand so bad last night that a suture pulled thru - pretty disgusted so I cut them all out and went to bed with ice pack. rcvd counter offer on land - still negotiating - hope it will be done tomorrow. Really want to swim this eve - bone doc said no but... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
11:44 am	latest Great Smokeys amazing -some places almost like rainforest, saw elk, deer, snakes, signs of bear. Tank really acted up - he was very anxious with unfamiliar trail and horses. He reared and bucked me at least 20 times 1st 5 hrs till he finally lost footing on edge of trail and slid backwards on hind legs down hillside with me still on back. i trid to jump off but he rolled on me then stepped on rt hand when he got up. He was only scraped up a tiny bit. I broke bone in hand and hsd to have gash sown up - rest of me bruised - may have cracked rib but incredibly well for what happened. i rode different horse next day - not as enjoyable because of ached and pains. Hand still very swollen and cant wait to get stitches out! Planning to get back to "normal" as quick as possible so I will run this afternoon and ride this eve - no swimming for a while and pilates will have to modified a bit. Made an offer on place in NC - about 20 min from work, 11 acres, pasture, woods, pond, too large of a house -very secluded and peaceful. Haven;t heard if accepted but very excited! Had farm friends check it out - they approved. working on changing name back to Darter for lack of better plan. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, July 1st, 2005
12:52 pm	busy Last night I tried to accomplish the brunt of what had to be done over the weekend - store, laundry, bills, plus making a treat for NY and working Cash, and packing. Finished up around 11 exhausted, on call and paged at 1am - like coming back from the dead. But now I will be free to enjoy time in NY.. Saw 3 deer last pm - Cash did not get so upset by them this time. He was ancy all eve - I think because the flies were vicious despite face mask and spray - or else he was jealous because he saw me ride Tank day before. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
1:06 pm	Tank / Land Finally rode Tank last pm. He was most of what I was expected and actually felt a little relieved once he tried to buck me off - felt I knew what his worst was. Later he gave me another try - almost successful and more intimidating as we were very near bob-wire fence. But he is a very personable horse. When I got there I had just got off phone with my mother and very upsetting - actually shaking. Grooming Tank was very calming. Saw beautiful fox. Another full night of sleep without help of meds. Excited about some land I heard about outside of Henderson. 11 acres, pond / stream, a utility shed that looks like it could double as a barn, decent house. Plan to see it when I return from NY. Hard not to daydream about retreating to such a place.. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 27th, 2005
8:17 am	monday review Not a bad weekend considering I was on call and little sleep last night. Sat night fell asleep on my own and was able to go back to sleep on my own. Night terror last night - first for at least a week. Preparing Cash, Ely, and a loaner horse Tank for Smokey mtn trail ride 7-7 7-10 - my first! very excited - lynn got me the time off -she's tight with the office manager. It amazes me how much more she seems to think of me than I do myself or anyone else. I feel an akward sense of gratitude and ineptness. Tank lives up to his name - tall, long and broad - but very agile. We are trying to ride everyday to get them ready - I think Lynn will put me on Tank today possibly - nervous but looking forward to it - I rode him once before and he is something! Canoed with friend Cindy Sunday - putting in on James then paddling to Dutch gap conservation area - with eagles, osprey, snakes, heron rookery, and amazing assortment of wooden hulls in a tidal graveyard. Lots of fish and other birds and plants I need to look up. Sun burn despite very cloudy skies, soaked on way back by much needed rain. Latest knee injury healing but painful. I haven't been able to run for a week but swimming, pilates, biking not bad.. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 20th, 2005
12:25 pm	weekend good weekend - did a lot of bills/laundry fri night, swam/pilates early sat. am. then a awesome kyak trip to dutch gap - saw baby heron's in a rookerie - 4 nests in one tree! also a boat graveyard - huge old wooden hulls sticking out at odd angles. hope to go back and just do photography one day. then went to taste of india food festival after - ravenous - delicous. Sunday rode Cash solo good long while, found some fruit on the paw- paws I discovered in spring. Later saw old buddy Bob for lunch and walk then went to pump house and hiked with cindy and fred and dinner with them and their friend. I feel so social after all that! Lynn - np and owner of horses finagaled to get me time off for trail ride in smokies 2nd wk in July - I am so excited! (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 9th, 2005
5:21 pm	almost a cowgirl and Grief Herded cattle for 1st time tues. part training for me and Cash - part farm necessity. Pretty cool for an hour but tried to imagine weeks of trail drives - unimagineable to me. Went with Lynn to look at TN walker for sale - about 2 hands taller than cash, show horse until now,padded up until recently. owner put a cutaway saddle on him -stripped down to barely seat and stirrups and I watched lynn ride him silently praying - lynn - please don't ask me to ride him.. but she did and I managed to get up into the saddle and not fall off - though not too graceful about either. It was a confidence boost. read an article in med. journal about complicated grief and was astounded to find myself fitting all criteria except for tom actually being dead. I've been so frustrated for "failing" treatment for depression that recognizing there is something more to it than "my" depression gives me hope and a different angle. Lots of tom dreams - always seem more tearful/lonely/hopeless after these. I spent over 10 minutes talking myself out of writing to him today. today trying to force myself to catch up on undesirable tasks - employee reviews, insurance paperwork for new job, online clinical test for medical board - the worst -esp with a very ailing computer.. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 6th, 2005
4:48 am	beachy trip to Ocracoke all too short - note to self - need min. of 4 full days there. Once again reminded how each trip changes for me. Gone was the magic - the embrace of the place - though I suspect that was my depression and not a perm. thing. But there was solace in the calm, rest in the slower pace. Fascinated by the volume of water - hadn't seen it flooded like that since my 1st trip there as a kid. And the dense fogs - a new mystery I enjoyed. Water frigid and air unseasonably chilly at times. My post run dips were little more than gasping plunges with scurry to get out. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 27th, 2005
3:18 am	Slipping Weird to hear from Rob. Led me to review that relationship, my shortcomings, to question if any progress has really been made in the past 15+ years. Right painful. Guess I was already pretty low from this process when I received separation papers from Tom last night. Like a confirmation of being unworthy. Trying not to take it personally and acknowledge it must be for the best.. Feel like I am slpping back down. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 23rd, 2005
2:40 pm	SC trip and other musings Just flew in during wee hours of am after long weekend at Hilton Head, SC. Derm conference / reunion with resident buddies. I was shocked by all the crazy antics/good times that we talked about that I had just forgotten when I moved on to my next life! We all seem a lot tamer now but still had a great time together, renting a convertable, dressing ourselves in retro scarves and riding around with top down, hooting all the way. Sad to find one was going thru something similar as me - we are even on the same meds! but I guess it was good for both of us to see the other surviving. Tom thoughts continue to break over the shores of my mind unbidden, unexpected even though logically I know I could not be seeing my old friends, riding horses, etc if I were still with him - seems so illogical that I could think of him at all except to be pissed off.. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
6:12 am	unbidden thoughts. Keep fighting thoughts of Tom, missing hime, angry at him, general sadness. Not sure why it has been so strong lately. Janese talking about LEAF made me want to ask her if she saw him/talked to him. I haven't talked to him in 4-5 weeks and seems like I do better this way. I keep trying to change subject in my mind.. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 16th, 2005
7:13 am	weekend review Fri eve just couldn't wait to get home to and crash, sat am made it to swim training/pilates, haircut, mowed lawn then finally out to ride. Cash was a real butt head, he was acting all lovey dovey while I groomed and saddled him but when I tried to mount him he started bucking and running - closest yet I've come to falling off. I wondered if a bee was stinging him or if he was just showing off for evil Ely. Took us both about 1/2 hr to settle in but then it was truely relaxing. After riding and bathing the horses, some of Lynn's friends were over with cold beer, frozen peach daquari's and Lynn's husband Donnie grilled pork chops and made most wonderful black-eyed peas and stewed tomatoes. We enjoyed this abundance on their patio as sun set and spring breeze blew, listening mamas calling for their calves. Left me with more daydreams of having my own farm/farmette. Sun. long run in Pocahontas SP 6 mile, white trilliums, large woodpecker, black snake. Rest of day rainy - did lots of inside stuff putting off for 3 months or so. Dinner with fred - long talk about family mental illnesses - thought provoking. crashed hard and early Sunday night (Comment on this)
Friday, May 13th, 2005
8:49 am	disjointed rushed to get to pilates last pm, had been looking forward to going for days but instruction seemed very broken and got paged out twice. up late preparing gifts for "nurses week" then a rash of pages starting about 2am, couldnt get back to good sleep but couldnt get up this am. at least it is fri. odd dreams - one with tom on heavy, 2 story brick stilts but acting normal. I was eating and took my spoon, scooped up some dirt and flipped it at him. I kept asking how he would get down from those stilts at the end of the day.. excited to hear about Kai's 1st tooth! (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 12th, 2005
12:28 pm	love analogy Wish I could forget work yest - really 1st time I can remember getting pushed to edge by somebody here. Over a splint I applied that cost 75 cents, which they charged her $40 dollars for. She called to complain. I told them to give her money back - that it was a ridiculous charge. office manager came into my office breathing fire for me doing that. Meantime my 3:oo pt showed up at 3:45. I had already told front I could only see her if she came before 3:30 otherwise another doc would have to see her or she should go to er. I was dertermined to get out of here on time after working 12 hr days for past week. and I did but was fuming for hours afterwards. Another thing I miss about Tom/being married - someone to talk to at end of day.. swam hard for 55 min - breathing better. still lousy on my turns. experimented with 1 breath per 3 strokes - much better. Hot tub - ah:) best part of day - coming home to find my hammock back up!!!! Hopped right in and listened to all the wood sounds - woodpecker, odd rattling type frog chorus, bullfrog - couldn't hear creek - maybe water too low.. totally in relationship to my own experience - this morning while preparing breakfast, I realized that love is a lot like toasting vs baking. Put a bagel in unheated oven it toasts - all on the outside - very quick and easy to burn beyond use. take time to heat the oven and less likely to burn - action happens inside and out. right now - I dont know if I ever want to do either again - maybe I'm dough just resting. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
8:25 am	warm day for running Yest. once again frustrating at work. sometimes more drained by staff than patients. I ended up staying extra hr yest to talk with one about concerns for her adult daughter. eventually got out of here 2 hrs late again! but enough left of day to wash car, and long run - forgot I have to get adjusted to temp change and felt a bit wipped at end. "my park" rockwood is all greened up now. last signs of dogwoods are only on the hard dirt trails. blueberries are in bloom with a few left over wild azelas. Cash and Ely were in rare form last night for their training. 1st they wouldn't come into the barn - instead running full speed around the pasture until they had lather started. once saddled, Lynn was going to show me some new training tricks but Ely reared-almost mowed me and Cash over before taking off. We chased him down about 3 miles later at another farm. Then both horses showed there rears for another hour or so and then some. Cash did really good except when Ely got him started. While I was bathing Cash, Ely took off 3 more times - even falling at one point! Almost thinking he's crossing line from green to dangerous. adventure and exercise gave me best night's sleep that I have had for long time. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 10th, 2005
8:39 am	catching up Realizing I may never be very good real time blogger as I don't have computer access at home - only at work and usually all too ready to get away from work. Sunday had nice hike w/ friends in Shannondoha np then zoomed back to Richmond for friend cindys bd walk and dinner. Great day :) Yesterday overwhelming monday - very draining patients, paperwork. missed run because of late hour then mad at myself for not running anyway - would have felt better. but today is new day and short day at that. Will go for long run and long ride this afternoon. very excited about beach - got office to let me off so looks like it will really happen! (Comment on this)